If you’re a Major League Soccer fan, you certainly have a favorite squad or two. As we roll into the MLS Playoffs this week, you will probably read a few articles on your favorite sites assessing your teams chances of winning. You’re likely brimming with confidence, and starting to truly believe that this is your year.
If you’re for Seattle or LA, the articles will probably treat your impending victory as a foregone conclusion. Ditto for DC, because somehow you have an absolutely perfect memory of 15 years ago, but you can’t seem to recall anything that happened 12 months ago. If you’re a Whitecaps fan, perhaps you’re just grateful to be here.
Unfortunately, you’re all wrong. Seriously, each and every one of you. “But Andrew!” you exclaim, “We know you’re a soccer genius, but doesn’t at least one of our teams have to win?” No. No they don’t. Please, join me on a magical journey, wherein I explain to you in an entirely rational manner how in fact, none of your teams can possibly win the MLS Cup.
New York Red Bulls:
You mean Chivas USA East? The owners don’t even want the club, and somehow they’re only the second most popular soccer team in New York behind a team that doesn’t even exist yet. It’s entirely conceivable that Thierry Henry might throw a first round game just so he can get away from the club a few weeks early. On the bright side, Bradley Wright-Phillips will probably score enough garbage time goals in blowout loses to set some sort of playoff scoring record.
DC United:
First an foremost, no, you don’t still have “momentum” from 1997. Second, have you been following DMV area sports recently? Remember when the Washington Nationals had the best record in baseball and got blown out in 5 by the Giants? Remember when they did the same thing against the Cardinals in 2012? How about the Orioles getting SWEPT by the freaking Royals this year? THE ROYALS?!
The Capitals are playoff no shows every single damn year, but somehow Ovechkin is still with a perfect 10 Russian model every night of the week. At some point, these women need to hold him accountable for his failures. The Wizards are too crappy to even mention (Durant 2016!). We’re left of course with the Redskins, who have the worst owner in all of professional sports and are too awful every single god dang year to even sniff the playoffs. Can you tell I’m from DC and very bitter about all this? So yeah, my hopes are not high for United this year.
New England Revolution:
Um, has anyone told Bob Kraft that his team is in the playoffs? Does Bob Kraft even know that MLS has playoffs? Does Bob Kraft even remember that he owns a soccer team? These are important questions, people.
“Mr. Kraft, what sort of preparations should we make for the MLS Playoffs next week?”
“What? The NFL playoffs don’t start for two months.”
“No Mr. Kraft, the MLS Playoffs.”
“What? Is that some sort of NFL minor league?”
So yeah, on the off chance that the Patriots remember to open Gillette Stadium for the Revs, I’m still not feeling it.
Columbus Crew:
Get outta here with this. I’m a (semi) professional soccer writer, and I can literally name like three players on this team. It’s all about the star-power baby! You can’t have your starting CB stopping mid-game to ask Thierry Henry for his autograph. You think Don Garber’s going to let a team from a minor media market with literally no marketable players win the MLS Cup? Think again.
Oh, and lest we forget they have the second best Higuain brother. Do you think Gonzalo still makes Federico sit at the kids table when the family gets together for Thanksgiving? Yes, I know they don’t have Thanksgiving in Argentina. Shut up. Also, your biggest fan is Greg Oden? What an awesome supporter to have behind your club! Are torn ACL’s contagious?
Sporting Kansas City:
The boys got PAID! Graham Zusi is literally swimming in a bathtub of Continental Tire money right now. Also, I’m pretty sure Romelu Lukaku stole Matt Besler’s mojo in Brazil. There’s a reason why you always take guys in contract years in fantasy sports. It’s human nature. If someone’s holding a multi-million dollar carrot in front of your nose, you’re going to run just a bit harder.
And who saw BWP take Aurélien Collin behind the woodshed last Sunday on that record tying goal? Got bossed. He was probably focused on his hilarious designer clothing line. “If I wear two ‘infinity scarves’ at the same time, am I violating the laws of physics?” -Aurélien Collin
FC Dallas:
Another also-ran. Like, it’s cute they think they’re a legitimate contender. Ya know what…Screw it. I’m not even gonna bother.
Seattle Sounders:
If MLS Cup winners were decided by number of fist fights started, Clint Dempsey and Co. might very well win this one in the first round. I legitimately wonder if he remembers that he’s supposed to be playing soccer and not reppin’ his rap crew on the mean streets of Texas. Regardless, there’s simply no way the soccer gods would allow them to win after this classy display. I think we can all agree that the Derek Jeter love-fest was a little over the top, but maybe have a touch of respect for Landy-cakes, huh?
Other than that, Yedlin’s got one foot out the door, and the other foot is pre-excusing their inevitable playoff failure by saying that the Supporters Shield is actually the only thing that matters. Maybe at least pretend like you think you can win?
Real Salt Lake:
How did David Beckham stay a superstar for so long? It was the hair. But you don’t just go with one style and stick with that forever. Did he go bleach blonde and just keep that forever? Did he rock a mean faux hawk for 20 years? No. That’s amateur hour. Enter Kyle Beckerman, the Derek Zoolander of soccer. He’s only got one look.
And I can only imagine what the decision making process was like when Nick Rimando’s youth coaches decided to make him a keeper. “OK Nick, you’re the shortest kid out here, so you should definitely play goalie, or maybe center back.” Robbie Keane is going to insist on only scoring by chipping him, just to make him feel bad about himself.
Los Angeles Galaxy:
Speaking of, the Galaxy will somehow have found a way to lose before this piece even gets published. You have the best team, the best player, and somehow also probably the best young striker in the league. Not to mention, the nation’s eyes are welling with tears at the thought of US soccer god Landon Donovan winning one final MLS Cup in his last professional game (And Don Garber’s eyes are welling with $$$ signs). Only LA could mess that up.
Of course, it will be entirely the referees fault. Or the weather. Or that your players were tired from international duty. Probably all three. Jurgen Klinsmann will tweet immediately after the match about how Donovan should have done more to help his team win. Klinsmann’s son will leave a flaming pile of poop on Donovan’s doorstep after the match.
Vancouver Whitecaps:
Number of Canadian teams to have won the MLS Cup: 0. ‘Nuff said.