The Independent Voice Of American Soccer Since 2009

mostly divide its history into three categories: Diego Maradona, military coups, and incredibly attractive women. For example, if you’re a fan of Madonna, you most likely got the majority of your Argentine history in the third category (and the second, to some extent) from her portrayal of the lovely and beloved Eva Peron in the 1996 musical Evita. In researching this piece, I found one very interesting fact. I always knew that Argentines loved their beef, as their grass fed cattle are some of the finest in the world. However, I was shocked to see that they consume more red meat than any other country in the world, roughly 65kg a year per person. That’s a lot of beef. Maybe it’s the secret to their soccer success. Then again, given the fact that Leo Messi is roughly the size of University of Florida point guard Erving Walker—perhaps it isn’t the beef. Another interesting fact: Argentina is the birth place of one of the icons of what I like to call the “Anti Establishment Culture”, Ernesto “Che” Guevara. Che is probably the most misrepresented person on the planet. It must be easy for the patchouli-stinking, organic-milk-drinking, rainbow-sandal-wearing kids of the world to wave a Che flag around because they think they belong to some enlightened global youth resistance movement. I encourage them to get their facts right and realize that they are glorifying a mass murderer. Every time I see some jackleg in a Che shirt I have to resist the urge to scream, “That guy is a terrorist!” I digress, how about some sports facts. Argentina loves its sport. I know this is a soccer blog but I need to mention that over the last decade they have become quite the formidable Rugby playing nation. They are currently ranked 8^th in the world and finished 3^rd in the 2007 Rugby World Cup. In terms of soccer, just how good are they? Let me count the ways, 15 World Cup Appearances, 2 wins (one, in 1978, which they paid for to help prop up a military coup and dictatorship), 38 Copa America appearances, 14 wins, 3 Confederations Cup appearances, 1 win. In Olympic completion, they have earned two Gold and two silver Medals. Even with this long tradition of soccer excellence Argentina has underperformed greatly in the last decade when you consider the massive amount of talent it has at its disposal. They did not advance past the Group stage in the 2006 World Cup, and got bounced in the round of 16 last summer. With the cocaine-induced reign of Diego Maradona finally over, the federation has turned to Sergio Batista to turn talent into world domination. Overall, the USMNT is 2-6-1 against Argentina. The first win came in the 1995 Copa America Tournament with goals from Alexi Lalas and Eric Wynalda helping the Yanks to a 3-0 victory. Hopefully, we can put another tally in the win column shortly. Paraguay This former Spanish colony does not get much love internationally, but a country roughly the size a California with a population of 6.3 million is nothing to scoff at. Through the 1970s until 2009 Paraguay actually had the second fastest growing economy in South America. When it comes to famous people from Paraguay, I can honestly say that the only one I am remotely familiar with is Roque Santa Cruz. Clearly, he’s good at receiving awards and attending celebrity events, where he rubs elbows with dime pieces like Giselle. As a player– well, that’s a different tale. When he is not injured, which is almost never, he is completely worthless on the field. I am convinced that Santa Cruz has some type of “Hollow Man” device that makes him completely invisible during any game that matters. A neighbor of Argentina, Paraguay is also a growing Rugby nation, but has had significantly less success in terms of soccer. Currently Paraguay is ranked 24^th in the world, and has made eight World Cup appearances. Their best showing came last year in South Africa with a trip to the quarterfinals. Other than World Cup competitions, Paraguay had made 33 appearances in Copa America competition, and they have lifted the trophy on two occasions. In Olympic competitions, they have managed to earn just one silver. The USMNT all time record versus Paraguay is 2-1-1. In 2003, Donovan and Ernie Stewart helped propel the Yanks to a 2-0 win. However, in the 2007 Copa America, we were crushed in a 3-1 defeat. Currently, the manager of the national team is actually Argentinean, and he played club soccer in Paraguay. His name is Gerardo Daniel Martino and for some unknown reason, he has the nickname “Tata”. Even after doing some research, I have no idea where this name came from. I can only venture three guesses. First, he is a very small dude. Second, he really loves Tater-Tots. Or finally, I suppose it could refer to some illicit sexual maneuver unheard of in North America, one that probably takes place somewhere uncomfortable, like the back of a Volkswagon. It’s Gameday kids: time for PUCK’S FREE ADVICE: This week’s advice comes from the man, the myth, the legend, and my grandfather, “It is better to fart and bare the shame, than not

to fart and bare the pain.” Go Gators. Beat Butler. Sorry for partying… Puck is the Pop Culture Guy For The Yanks Are Coming. He can be reached at puck@yanksarecoming.com and you can follow him on Twitter at @PuckLovesPBR.