A horrified Pardew could do nothing during Newcastle’s loss to Stoke, outside of apologize to soccer.
Guy Bailey
Editor’s Note: Guy Bailey writes columns for The Yanks Are Coming throughout the Barclay’s Premier League season. In those columns, he’ll discuss the happenings overseas in the world’s most popular sports league, as well as The Championship, where many Americans ply their trade. Guy offers a unique perspective on the league as a Brit who lived for a long while in the United States before moving back to Teeside a year ago. He can be reached at guyrbailey@gmail.com and you can follow him on Twitter all EPL season at @guyrbailey.
The Spectre of St James’ Park
Alan Pardew is a haunted man, and not just because he looks like a ghost. His Newcastle team is enduring a full annus horriblis which continued on Monday evening with another defeat, this time away to Stoke City in a match that set the sport back about a century, after which of course Newcastle fans once again rounded on their beleagured boss with a plethora of placards and banners calling for his head – they’ve even got their own website now – sackpardew.com – although the true malignancy in the heart of darkness that is the Wongadome, sorry, Sports Direct Arena, sorry St James’ Park is owner Mike Ashley. While he is already planning his clear exit strategy buy doubling his shareholding in Scottish Division One side Rangers, he is, remarkably, still turning a profit at Newcastle – mainly through minimal transfer outlays and selling on star players and replacing them with cheap French players from Ligue 1. The first thing to say about this strategy is that Ligue 1 is no EPL and that while bargains can be had – Yohan Cabaye for example – it’s not a bottomless pit. Secondly, a phrase of my dad’s rings true, often wheeled out when Middlesbrough sold one of our more promising lights to be replaced by an over-the-hill veteran or untried youngster for half the price. “Fill your team with Championship players and one day you’ll wake up, find yourself in the Championship and wonder why”. Perhaps Bocelli says it best when it comes to Newcastle and Pardew (though the thought of Newcastle supporters listening to Bocelli is a bizarre one…)
It would still be something of a surprise if Newcastle went down I feel but not so much Burnley nil, sorry, Burnley – force of habit because we’ve heard it six times out of seven this season already. The one opponent they did score against? Chelsea. Burnley took the cheap option when promoted and decided to store the EPL TV riches for a rainy Championship day in the future and bought Championship strikers Lucas Jukewicz from Middlesbrough and Marvin Sordell from Bolton to replace the goals of injured Sam Vokes. None of these men, even Everton castoff Jukewicz, have played in the EPL before so it’s a big ask for any of them to turn into Diego Costa in the remaining 32 games. It used to be that a team that seemed doomed always had a class player who might keep them afloat– Fulham with Brian McBride or Wigan Athletic and Arouna Kone among others. Comparatively, Burnley lack a player in the same stratosphere in quality. That problem is becoming more trend than exception.
Welbeck fired in three midweek, continuing his blazing form…
The hyped derbies of Merseyside and North London from the previous week both ended 1-1 and it would be the away team who was happiest with both. An out-of-sorts Liverpool were leading with a vintage Steven Gerrard free kick before Phil Jagielka’s 35 yard rocket in injury time brought some much needed respite for an equally stuttering Everton. Liverpool would go on to lose 1-0 in Basel in the Champions League in midweek leaving Mario Balotelli even more isolated as the man who isn’t Suarez. Spurs took a battling point from the 11 midfielders of Arsenal which is always a good result. And Arsenal responded with a thrashing of Galatasaray in the Champions League midweek, which was partly because Galatasaray had Sneijder playing the part of holding midfielder and Melo playing the part of David Luiz– disinterested in being a CB despite positioning– but was also partly because Danny Welbeck is playing with his hair on fire right now. It is fair to wonder if anyone in England has noticed how well Welbeck is getting on after England released its upcoming roster and listed “Daniel Welbeck, Manchester United” on the team sheet. Either way, his form is promising. It was also promising, if you are a Gunners supporter, that Arsenal didn’t blow a 4-0 lead. Too soon?
This weekend Chelsea can continue their cantor towards the title if they can get the better of Arsenal at Stamford Bridge. Arsene Wenger looking to break the hoodoo of never having beaten Jose Mourinho in as much as a round of Trivial Pursuit, let alone a football match. Alan Pardew’s pain looks set to continue at Swansea City while Mauricio Pochettino entertains an unfamiliar looking former club in Southampton who like Doctor Who, appear to have regenerated several new players who look different but still possess all the skills and experience of their former incarnations.
Wacky owner news of the week comes from Assem Allam, owner of Hull City who wants to change the 110 year old name to the far from derivative Hull Tigers because that is exactly what is stopping millions of Indonesian street kids and Brazilian Baristas from running out and buying a David Meiler shirt. He has threatened not to invest another penny in the team unless the league allows him to change the name and this is a battle he must lose. On such thin edges of the wedge and procedure do fixtures 10 years hence of the Chelsea Blue Curacao Ginsters v Tottenham Tunnocks Teacakes rest.
The US team franchise system, like the US healthcare system is something only a british lunatic or amoral privateer could look at and hope to emulate in the UK. Long may he falter.
As noted, Guy Bailey writes on the Barclay’s Premier League for The Yanks Are Coming. Want more Guy Bailey? We highly recommend his new book, Blessay From America, a collection of writings made while living in America, where he married a southern belle and saw his son born, which you can purchase here.